Thursday, March 1, 2012

I Miss Him So!

The last few days, have been rather emotional. I'm not going to lie. I've been trying to keep it together. More because I know that My Guy needed to focus on work. But today, it all seems to be bubbling over the top.

Saturday was my Dad's birthday. I got to have dinner with my parents, on Friday night. It was nice. To just enjoy some time together. To see and hear, a wonderful Mariachi. It was quick, but much needed. Since my Dad got sick in December 2010, I've really cherished every moment with him.

On top of that, my cousin had her baby girl. Early Monday morning. And now, they are a little worried about her health. So they are running a few tests. Please keep them in your prayers. We'd really appreciate that. And honestly, I can't wait to meet, the new sweet baby.

But honestly, I think what's bothering me most is, my Uncle. Sunday marked seven years, since his passing. He was my best friend. ALWAYS had me laughing. We did so much together. He taught me so much. Over the years, he went from being my Uncle, to my best friend.

I still remember, the night that I got the news. I had been away. Teaching a music conference at Disney World. That night, we had performed. And had this AMAZING and fun dinner with friends. It had been a good night. :)

Then I realized, that my phone was in my violin case. I had 20+ missed calls. When I went through them, they were all from my parents. I worried. Immediately, I wondered how my Dad was. I thought about it. It was almost 1AM. Which meant, close to 11PM at my parents' house.

But I couldn't wait anymore. I needed to know what was going on. I found a small room, and sat down. I made the call. And I immediately knew, that something was wrong. My Dad's voice was shaking. He told me, that my Uncle had past away, in his sleep.

This was so shocking! He had been in the hospital. For something completely unrelated, to what he past away from. My parents had just seen him. Right before he was released, from the hospital. They had joked around. Because it was my Dad's birthday.

But when he went home, it was just his time. I remember, not knowing what to do. Being across the country. Obligated to this job. My friends rallied around me. Assured me, that they could handle the next few days. And that they'd get me home.

At the time, a friend was living with me. So I called her. In the middle of the night. And she packed a bag for me. Made sure that my car was full of gas. While this guy got me a plane ticket home.

I flew home. Had another friend, pick me up from the airport. Drove me, the hour, to my home. And I drove, for the next 3 hours. Hoping, that I'd make it in time for the service.

My cousin broke my heart. She was devastated! Kept telling me, that she should have been better to him. That I knew her pain. Because I was so close to him. I didn't know what to say. Or do. I was numb.

We prayed.
People talked about my Uncle. I could see him from afar. But I didn't have the guts, to go up to his casket. We went back to my parents' house. Knowing that the next morning, we'd say our final goodbyes.

I spent that night writing. Writing a letter to my Uncle. This amazing man. That ALWAYS put others before himself. With this GIANT heart. Made of gold. I cried. For the first time, I was alone with my thoughts. And it finally hit me. He was gone.

The next morning, I got up early. Got dressed. I'd be playing for the funeral. And I wasn't sure, just how I was going to do it. I told my parents, that I'd meet them at the church. And I left.

Quietly, I made my way into the church. Violin in one hand. My letter in the other. And I walked down that aisle, to my Uncle. Where I said my final goodbye. Placed my letter in his casket. And realized for the first time, this would be the last time I'd see him.

It pulled at my heart.
The following 2 hours, rushed by. I didn't feel like, I was really there. More of floating above, the services. I remember leaving the church, for the cemetery. I remember seeing the casket go down. The dirt covering it up. I remember, going to my aunt's house. Changing my clothes. Saying my goodbyes.

I drove 3 hours to my home. Had a friend drive me, another hour to the airport. And then, took a plane ride back to Florida. I'm still not sure, how I managed the next week. But I did.

Since that day, I've felt this emptiness in my heart. A place that I'm positive, will always be empty. With each passing year, it gets harder. I know that it should get easier. But for me, it gets harder. Maybe because I miss my Uncle so much.

Or maybe because, I'm remembering less and less about him. On a recent trip home, I stopped, to visit his grave. And my Auntie's grave. I feel a sense of peace, when I'm near them. Of being "whole" again. Knowing that we're close, to one another.

I hope, that I never forget, the important things. What made my Uncle, well my Uncle. His generosity. His caring heart. His great sense of humor! I want to pass on his memory. To the generations, that didn't get to meet him. I want for people, to be inspired by him. To know, that he made the world, a truly better place!

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