Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hoping for Peace

Something about today, has helped me to find peace. Monday night, I went to a rosary. For a friend of mine. Who was only 28 years old. Just months older than me. And yesterday, she was laid to rest. In her final resting place. We were childhood friends. We shared chocolate milk on Fridays, and helped each other with school projects.

All of this, seems so strange. We're young. She was so full of life. This should not have happened. Not to her. We still don't know if it was an accident. Self inflicted. Or murder. We don't know the whole story. Just the sadness. The sadness that comes with this loss.

I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I mean she was my friend. And it hurts to lose a friend. Especially through violence like this. But the pain is deeper. Like it's more available. More accessible. Like it could have been me, instead of her.

To be honest, I think it's because we were very similar. In lots of ways. Far beyond our ages. The similarities in our lives, they're a little scary. And not so many years ago, I found myself in a darkness. In a hole. Looking for a way out. Praying for someone to help me.

Today was spent with family. Just My Guy and his family. I really enjoyed it. And there was something so calming about this field of flowers that we past. It just made me smile. Gently blowing in the breeze. Almost like a message from above. Letting me know, that there is still beauty on earth. A message that life still moves forward.

I was lucky. I worked through my darkness. It was nothing like drugs or alcohol. But rather, things going on inside. Cleansing of my soul. Realizing and facing the things in my life, that were causing me the most pain. The most heartache. I got to work through all the things that were weighing me down, and sucking the life from me.

Looking back now, I wish I could have been more available to my friend. Even if it was just to listen to her. Maybe I could have helped. Maybe I could have made her feel better about herself. Who knows what that could have done. But it might have helped.

In the past, I've not been the best of friend, to all of my friends. You know, life gets busy. And the time and distance grows. I'm lucky to have an incredible core group of friends. People that are always there to love me. When I need it. And when I don't. And even sometimes, when I don't want anyone else around. They've helped me through so much. Especially my Battle with the Big C.

But there are also friends that I've let our friendship sort of "die down." These are good people. Great friends! And just because I lack in time, I've let things go. I realize that it's my fault. And I want to reconnect. Reconnect with high school friends. College friends. And childhood friends. I want to be a better friend. A more attentive friend.

Growing up is tough. All of a sudden everyone and everything, is screaming out for your time. It's demanded. And your "free time" becomes smaller and smaller. Blogging for me, has always been an "easy and fast" way to stay connected with friends. I can sit down for 5 minutes, and bam, all my friends know what I've been up to. I can sit at 2AM, and catch up on all their blogs. It's just "easy."

But "easy" is not what I'm looking for. I want good, strong, and loving friendships. I want to start talking, to all those people that I've lost touch with. The ones that I shared so much of my life with. The people that I think about. The ones that are always on my mind. I want to be a better friend to them.

I don't want to lose another friend like this. Tragically. I want to be there for them. To celebrate in their joys. And carry them through their sadness. I want to be that friend. I want to be the good friend that I used to be. Before I let my crazy schedule dictate my life.

"A" didn't die, without leaving a mark on all of us. She was special. Full of life. And even in her death, she is still inspiring good. "A" will be missed. By all those who loved her. But for me, she has inspired so much. In 28 years, she touched many lives. Now it is time for my friend to rest her soul. ♥

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