Monday, February 28, 2011

I Feel Like Running

It's been really crazy around here. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my tummy. I just can't explain it. But if it's anything like Saturday morning, well that explains it all!

I tried to get along with my oldest brother. Not for me. Not for him. I lost all respect for him a while back. But for my Dad. For his birthday. It's important. You know what I mean? Well, my other brothers had arranged a special breakfast for our Dad. Invited? 4 of my brothers, their families, my parents, and me. It was shaping up to be a fun morning.

But my oldest brother showed up. With his girlfriend. And immediately, things changed. Isn't that weird, he wasn't invited. Neither were 2 of my sisters. They didn't crash the party. But not big brother. He felt like "he had to be there." Like it was his"duty." His privileged right.

There has been a lot that has gone on with my oldest brother. Lots that I'm not going to get into here. But no one was really comfortable. He acted like he is my Dad's only child. And really upset my brothers. But we all swallowed that. We wanted our Dad to enjoy his "Birthday Breakfast."

Once my parents left, all heck broke loose. My brothers were not holding anything back. Neither was my oldest brother. He was calling everyone names. Blaming all of his problems on all of his. And even came after me. I wasn't just going to sit there. I told him how I felt.

It was horrible. Uncomfortable. And something that we all had been trying to avoid. For a long while. It all boiled over. I'm glad that everything finally came out. I know who I can trust. And who I can't. 100%. I know. And I also know how everyone feels.

Let's just put it this way, all my brothers, they held their daughters a little closer to themselves. Yes, they don't trust my older brother. Neither do I. We all know that my Mom and I are the ones that take care of my Dad. Not any of them. Heck, we can go months without hearing from some of them. And all but my oldest brother, they're grateful for all I do for my parents. I'm glad that they see it. Not for the glory of it. But because I'm not doing it, hoping to get anything in return. I just want to take care of my parents.

But it leaves me wanting to run away from my family. I'm glad that I have My Guy to come back to. No matter what happens. I was upset that in the midst of our "Sibling Fight" my phone was broken. I desperately wanted to talk to My Guy, when I left that mess. But I had to wait. Now not only do I want to avoid most of my family, I now need a new phone.

I hate feeling like this. Like I need to "run away" from them. To get away. To not let my family into my life. My "inner circle." But it's always been this way. I'm the youngest of 9. They're all my half siblings. I have no one on my side. And I hear it all the time. They're not here for me. In anyway. And they'd really like to see me fail miserably.

I have 1 brother that I full heartily trust. And I have 1 sister that I'd like to mend our relationship. That's it. It's tough. And it makes going home hard. Especially now that my Dad is sick. And he needs us. My brother just creates more and more problems. Causing bigger and bigger rifts between us all. It hurts. But there's not much I can do. Other than just run away from them. And fight to be a part of my parents lives. The only healthy part of my family. ♥

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