Thursday, February 24, 2011

Searching for Peace

I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I should be very grateful for the life I live. I have a man that truly loves me. That has stood by my side through so much. Is here for me day in, and day out. My Guy is here, battle the Big C with me. I'm very lucky.

Beyond him, I have parents that love me very much. At times, I question my Daddy. But I realize, he grew up very differently than me. In a very different time. So I need to understand, at times, that harshness, it's really love. But I know, my parents love me. My Mom and I, well our relationship has just bloomed over the last few years. Something that I'm so grateful for!

I also have a HUGE group of friends that really love me. Best friends that I've had since birth. Especially Enzo. The man has done so much for me! Since birth, we've been "Kindred Spirits." Friends I've met along the way. My "adult" friends. The ones that are more like family. All the family friends that have watched me grow. That embrace me as a daughter. Yes, there are lots of them.

I'm also in a much more comfortable stage in my life. Financial, I'm doing well. I own my own home. Free and clear. It's mine. And I'm only 27 years old! I no longer have to go to sleep without eating, freezing in a cold house, and wondering if a tuition payment is more important than a doctor's appointment. I'm able to provide for myself. These basic things, that just a few years ago, were so far out of reach!

But I can't help myself. I've been going through a lot. The last few years have been tough. For me, it's been about facing demons from my past. Which is probably a shocker to many people out there. Yes, this shy, "Goody Two Shoes" woman...she has some pretty ugly things that she's had to face. Things that leave me sick to my stomach. Just thinking about them. But it's part of my history. The things that have shaped me.

Along with that, comes family issues. It's tough being the only child that my parents had together. I face more problems with my brothers and sisters, than most people face with their worst enemies. It's tough. It's hard to sit there and take all the name calling. The constant belittling. It's just tough.

The worst part is, I'm almost "forced" to have relationships with these people. People that I don't respect. I even question if I really love them. I mean, we're supposed to love our family, but do I love these people? I'm not sure. And that to me, is very sad!

In the last year, I've had to turn the other way for many things. Many family issues. I've had to listen to so many lies. To endure so much! To honestly, question every person in my family. Are they really here for the right reasons? What is their motive? I can't stand to watch what certain people are doing to our family. But I have no voice in the matter!

I guess there is just a lot going on. With my family. With old friends. People that I thought I could trust. Only to learn the hard way, that I really shouldn't have allowed them into my inner circle. Lots of circumstances surrounding certain family members. And of course, my own health. Let's also not forget about my Daddy's recent brush with death. It's all been tough.

Some days, I question everything in my life. All of it! I've recently found myself questioning things, that I never have before. Like my religion. Even my own morals and values. I guess I just need a "time out" from the "real life."

I guess the fact that our traveling is starting to pick up, well that could be a very good thing. My Guy has returned to his long hours at work. And I've been put on semi-bed rest for another week. So maybe God is just giving me a much needed "Adult Time Out." You know, to search for the much needed peace that my body, mind, and soul desperately need. ♥

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