Wednesday, January 4, 2012

2 Years...

2 years ago, my brother came back, into our lives. We were hopeful. Our family has been through a lot. We wanted his arrival, to be a good thing. To be a starting place, to heal our family.

Maybe I was just naive about what was to come. My brother. The oldest. The one that was never around. Always shady. But the one, we were all told, to be proud of. I had hoped, things would be better. Better than they had been, all those years ago.

These days, I'm not feeling it. I'm frustrated with him. The way he behaves. The things he does. How he treats people in our family. The way he talks down to everyone. The way, he treats my parents. Especially, my Mom.

He talked the "Big Talk." Actually, he still does. But, he has failed to walk the "Big Walk." In every way that you can imagine. It's so frustrating! But, we're not supposed to say anything. or do anything. Even though, he wants everyone to baby him. To take care of him. To provide for him.

Not me. I'm done. I'm super frustrated. Totally annoyed! And I've stopped walking on "eggshells." I'm speaking my mind. Whether people agree with me, or not. Whether they like it or not. I just can't live like this anymore. It's so frustrating!

I just don't understand it. 2 years have past. He's done nothing with his life. Only made our entire family, more uncomfortable. Only created more problems. Only made the rifts bigger. Only made me resent him more.

It's sad really. I don't want to have this hard heart. Or these horrible feelings. But I can't help myself. I've been hurt, way too many times. I can't deal anymore. I almost feel like, I need to write him off. To cut off the "dead part" of my life.

2 years later, lots of things have changed. Not for the better. That's unfortunate. But I can't control these things anymore. I can't keep lugging this dead weight. It's not fair to me. I've extended my hand. Looked the other way. Tried to see past all the bad stuff.

But I can't do it anymore. It's begun to kill me. From the inside out. And I need to start thinking about me again. It's tough. But it's the reality of being a grown up.

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